Do you ever sit and wonder just where you belong? I do ever day. We have wonderful Cancer Family friends and, we hold each one dear to our heart. The only thing is that even though Gabs had Cancer we just don't feel we belong. I get lost in all of the Chemo and Cancer Drugs talk. We were lucky Gabs had one set of Meds and along with surgery they worked. Also Gabs has been in remission for so long and for this we are grateful. However when talking to other Cancer Mommies it makes it difficult. In ways it makes me feel even more guilty then what I do already.
I know Gabs is very lucky. We caught his Cancer early and he is surviving. And I am forever grateful for this. But the question has always been ... Where do we fit in? With Gabs Cancer he is 1 in 5 million! We have only found 9 other families (This after Gabs was in remission) with children who have this type of Cancer. We do not fit into any Leukemia groups or the Neroblastomas or the Brain Cancers. (to name a few) We are a small group all on our own. When Gabs was first diagnosed it was hard to even find out info about his Cancer it was so rare.
I know I can say my child is unique. After all how many babies can you say are born with Cancer and start Chemo at 5 weeks old. My son is amazing and one of a kind. I am truly blessed to have him in my life. It is just this one thing that stumps us. While other Onco Mommies are talking about Chemo or Cancer Drugs or new experiments I sit quietly. The truth is I know nothing about these. Like I said Gabs had one group of Chemo drugs and surgeries. In a way I feel out of place. I have so much compassion for these families yet I feel like differences spread us all millions of miles apart.
It is even harder when a family in our group loses a child. The guilt pours so heavy. What do you say to a friend .. a fellow Mom who has just lost a part of their life. Nothing that is right Nothing because we can say all the condolences we want and even though we mean well it will not make her feel any better. Especially when your child is living. I know this may sound harsh but it is true. I know this because before both of my sons I lost a baby. And even though it is a little different I know how that pain is. And now being in this situation here I can understand how these Moms must feel. And although I always keep them in my thoughts and prayers I know that will not ease their pain. And then the guilt comes ... Ah yes the guilt. I often think of why Gabs is still here and his friends are not. With this comes the pain in my heart. The feeling of helplessness. How can another innocent child so full of life and love be gone. Another family crushed and torn.
I realize I have been sitting here rambling but, I must admit it felt good to let some things out.
